How to Help Someone Who is Struggling
How do you show someone who is grieving that you care? Here are some ideas on how to support someone at an emotional level.
Let them know you are thinking about them.
A simple gesture can go a long way. Send a text that says, “I’m thinking of you!” Drop a card in the mail. Leave a small treat on their doorstep.
Your friend may not be ready to talk about their situation. They may not feel physically or emotionally prepared to socialize. Follow their cues instead of forcing them to interact when they aren’t ready.
Listen.
When your friend or family member is ready to share . . . listen. Be a sympathetic ear.
Don’t offer advice (unless you are asked). Don’t pass judgment on how they are handling the situation. Avoid comparing your grief with theirs. Don’t try to change the subject. If you want to get them talking, ask positive, open-ended questions.
And listen.
Don’t ask for sordid details.
A friend who recently learned about a spouse’s infidelity may need support. However, avoid asking about the dirty details.
And remember . . . a person going through relationship drama may stay in the relationship. If you disclose too many feelings about their significant other, you may damage your relationship with your friend.
Keep your friend’s confidential information to yourself.
When it seems that everyone shares all the details of their lives on social media, it’s easy to forget that some people are more private than others.
No matter the situation, ask for permission to share their private information.
Ask for permission to perform specific tasks.
If you want to help someone, avoid empty phrases like “let me know if there’s anything I can do.” Instead, ask your friend’s permission to perform a specific task.
Here are some ways you can offer to help:
“I would like to provide your family with some meals while you are going through chemo. Would that be ok? Do you have any dietary restrictions?”
“Mike will be mowing our grass today. Is it ok if he mows yours too?”
“Would you like me to drive the swim carpool this week, so you have more time with your Dad?”
Periodically check in with your friend.
Your friend or family member may be inundated with love and support immediately following a loss or tragedy. However, that help and support may disappear within weeks or months of the incident.
Write yourself reminders to periodically check in with your friend. For example, if your friend lost a loved one, reach out to them on birthdays and other difficult days like the anniversary of the death.
Don’t take rejection personally.
Your friend may not want to “hang out” with you while they are going through a rough time. Instead, they may need to spend time with their family – or be alone for a while.
They may have difficulty being around you because it’s too painful to be around someone who still has their mother or someone with a great career or relationship.
Follow their lead.
Maybe your friend wants to binge-watch Harry and Meghan’s Netflix series. Perhaps they want to share a bottle of wine or sit in silence. They might want you around, but they may not feel like talking. If that’s the case, avoid the elephant in the room.
Offer to go with them to run errands.
Sometimes it’s better for a person’s mental health to get out of the house. Instead of offering to complete your friend’s errands, offer to go with them. Go to the grocery store. Sit with them in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. Be with them when they fill the car with gas or change their oil.
Of course, you won’t be able to “fix” the situation by getting your friend out of the house or ensuring they have plenty of groceries in the pantry. However, feeling a bit of normalcy may help your friend forget about life for a while.
Offer to exercise with them.
Don’t lecture your friend about the importance of movement. Don’t wag your finger at them to say, “you’d feel better if you . . . “Instead, ask your friend if they want to go on a walk.
Take care of yourself.
You won’t be able to help your friend if you get sick. While you may feel overwhelmed by your friend or family member’s physical and emotional needs, try to find time to exercise and sleep. Take your vitamins and eat healthy food.
Be careful what you share with your friend.
Be more aware of what you share with a friend during a rough time. For example, a friend who recently lost a baby probably doesn’t want to hear you complain about getting up three times a night with your baby. A person whose child is in a drug treatment center may not want to hear about the amazing accomplishments of your kids. A person going through cancer treatment may not want to hear about your weight-loss struggle.
At some point, you will probably be able to return to conversation as usual.
Leave space for joy.
Hopefully, you’ll be able to read the situation well enough to know when it’s the right time to make your friend smile or laugh. Of course, each case is unique, but even in the darkest of times, there’s room for a bit of laughter.
Share memories of happy times.
Your friend may feel more comfortable talking about happy memories at some point. In fact, they may relish hearing stories about the person they lost and love seeing photos of happier times.
When you lose someone, knowing that other people have fond memories of the deceased is comforting. Sharing memories of the deceased during the visitation or funeral is one thing. But, it’s another thing entirely to write those memories down, so the family can be reminded months and years later of happier times.
Tell Your Friend About Lalo
Lalo is an app that allows you to create a free, shareable digital scrapbook. Unlike social media platforms, you can choose the specific people who have access to the space, so your acquaintance from high school or your kid’s soccer coach won’t have access to your private memories.
One of the best things about Lalo is the conversation prompts, which will help you remember and record specific moments of your life. These conversation prompts can be used in a variety of ways. For example, perhaps you can ask the matriarch or patriarch of your family to share details of their lives that you never knew (or thought to ask).
When your friend or family member is ready, share this video about how Lalo can help them curate a private online memory book of their loved ones.
